I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
