This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
