Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
