I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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