Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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