You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
