the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
