We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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