Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I am available for nakedness
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize