So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
