you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
