Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
