some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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