he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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