mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
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I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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