I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
