apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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