You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
