We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
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I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
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Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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