operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
