you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
