I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
