I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
