He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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