you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
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After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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