and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
