There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
