I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
