she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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