nut hugger
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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