yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
