chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
