nut hugger
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Pooping to opera.
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