If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Drunk is not a location!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
