Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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