we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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