Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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