God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
That's how pantless uber rides happen
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
