Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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