I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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