Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
