Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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