You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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