I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
