How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
