Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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