We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
