Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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