Betty ford says i'm here all night
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
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I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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