I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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