I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
