The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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